Ignorance

I should start by saying that this entry was a hard one to write. I struggled to find the right words (which I may not have done) and I am afraid that it may sound culturally insensitive, which is not what I intended. At one point, I told myself to just forget it; people don’t need to know this. But then I talked with another volunteer who said the people who read this would be interested because this is what is going on in my life and could potentially have something to gain from my experiences. So here you go…

Last week was a difficult one for me. It started off all well and good by meeting Moroccan royalty (see previous post) but when it ended, I said “Lhamdullah, let’s not have a repeat performance of this.” While nothing happened to me personally, I was a bystander in two in-depth cultural experiences. It would be culturally insensitive for me to repost what happened but in both situations things happened that coming from a Western, shiwya feminist perspective makes me against them in principle. I haven’t been here long enough to develop a ‘Moroccan mindset,’ something more experienced volunteers tell me will come.

When these things happened, it made me curse the other cultural nuisances I don’t like:
 the occasional rock (or snow) thrown by a bored little kid
 constantly hearing ‘bonjour’ and ‘cava’ screamed at me by people who know that I do not speak French
 the intense staring occupied occasionally with pointing and whispering; like that is not obvious
 sure PDA may be illegal here but if you need to pee, just whip it out and go right wherever you want

I can’t say that this wasn’t expected. Peace Corps warned me that this would happen. They said there would be moments when I would hate it here. For me, this would be taking it too far; but there are some moments when I do not like it here. As long as the good moments outweigh the bad ones, I will be all right. I posted last week that other volunteers were having some bad moments and that I couldn’t empathize with them. Now I can a little bit (did I jinx myself?). But I have been reading blogs from other volunteers in my training group and everyone is experiencing things like this. The first 3 months in site are the hardest.

I know moments like these can happen anywhere; I had them growing up in Panama City and in Tuscaloosa during college. I took massive amounts of culture-related classes in school; but I don’t think anything could have accurately prepared me for the culture and life I am living here. I woke up on Monday with a positive attitude; eager to start the new week. Accomplishment #1 of the week; inshallah, there will be more to come.

In one of my first posts from Morocco, I mentioned that I “smile because I have no idea what is going on.” That was 4 months ago. Shiwya b shiwya, I learn what is going on and some things here make it hard to smile. With integration comes comprehension and understanding. For the sake of my job and for Peace Corps, I know that I NEED to know but it is hard not think that maybe I am better off not knowing. After all, isn’t the saying, “Ignorance is bliss?” It may be but it is also one of the reasons why I am here…