Looking in the Rearview Mirror

The many times I dreamed about COS’ing, I envisioned being very Zen. Life here would approach its natural conclusion and all I would need to do was enjoy the moment. Well, less than a month to go and I am filled with anxiety, disbelief, and doing everything possible to not be wack-evac’d.

Anxious about the next volunteer in my area…Will she like it? What if she thinks the site is too rough (bone-chillingly cold in the winter and no running water)? Her site—it’s 10K away from me—will be tough. The community is wonderful. Something could happen, though, and a deserving community will be without a PCV. I am nervous and a little bit scared about that possibility.

Writing the required description of service, finishing the site journals for future volunteers in the area and going through my old journals has me looking in the rearview mirror. At the beginning of this journey, the best adjective to describe me would be ‘naïve.’ I was SO naïve that it is hard to believe such a high level of naivety exists. All my bold, long-term visions? Ha. Absolutely laughable. Still, I have retained most of my idealism (I think) but it is more of a hardened idealism if there is such a thing. I was 9 months into service when the bottom dropped out, my ignorance was painfully gone, and it became clear: I had no idea how HARD Peace Corps would be.

The fact that I have almost completed the 27-month service committment is surreal. In my dark, depressive periods I was ready to call programming staff and say “I cannot take it anymore. I want to go home” My long-term visions turned into a focus on short, immediate results. The women’s computer literacy project took off and has been wildly successful. The women graduated and started their own business—a bakery for the traditional Ramadan sweets!!! And now they are trying to start two more ventures.

Compared to all the days behind me in site, it seems like the few remaining days should be a piece of cake. Wrong. Last week at the post office, I had the nerve to ask my postman to look the mailroom for a package that should have arrived awhile ago. He was not happy with my request and said so, loudly and rudely. All I could do was mutter--to myself--the number of days left in site.

Looking back at the aspiration statement I was required to write shortly before arriving in Morocco, these were the first 2 lines: “During my Peace Corps service, I hope to affect the lives of those in my host community and leave a mark on those around me. Also, I know that everyone I meet will leave their mark on me.” That second sentence…I am a better person today because of all those around me. Yes, I have gained professional experience and invaluable grassroots/community development knowledge but what has helped me mature and grow into an adult are the friendships I have made with women in the weaving cooperative, the women in the computer classes, various families in town, my wonderful host family, and easily, the most inspirational, best group of people I have ever met, my fellow PCVs.